Matthew 5:8 ponderings

I have been wondering, thinking, musing, over Matthew 5:8 " Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God."   
 There is nothing about me that is pure.  I am made from dust (definitely not clean) and I will return to dust. 
The only purity I can lay claim to is that which Christ gives to me.  My daily, hourly, moment by moment washing of forgiveness.  Making me white as snow.  I have nothing pure to offer.  All that is of any worth is already from Christ.  He is the gift giver.  And what I might offer has been given by The Gift Giver, himself.
How selfish am I when I take what He gives and fail to give thanks? Obsessed with lies that say I am deserving.  I deserve nothing.  What I do deserve He does not give.  The pure in heart will see God.  I see the God of grace.  My heart is not pure, yet He is remaking me.  I see His grace.

"I can dare to give thanks in everything, because I can trust God for everything."-anne voskamp

"I can dare to give thanks in everything, because I can trust God for everything." -anne voskamp

When this statement hit my ears it grabbed my mind. It challenged my heart.  I continued to repeat the word "everything".  This long, ten letter word is the hinge point in my belief.  Simply, do I trust God for everything?
Ug!  I really detest these hard questions.  The ones that ask me to be brutally honest and more than likely I don't really want to know the answer to.  (You know the ones I mean)  When I turn this statement around I see how reliant giving thanks is on the trusting.  I trust, therefore, even in the hard I give thanks.  I love the word "dare".  It is a dare, a risk....Yet God risked everything on me...I want to risk everything, trust for everything, give thanks for everything.

Season of Humility

It seems like a long time since I have sat here reflecting.  My thoughts are simple.  My mind seems to swim at times with all that is happening and all that needs to happen.  Is this what I have reduced my days to?  Apparently.  UG!  This reality is ugly.  I am keenly aware of my "self" focus.
This season is filled with Humility.  The humility of our Lord coming from the heavenly realm to this dust trodden place.  The humility of Mary and Joseph's obedience.  The humility of those that came to a stable to worship amongst the animals.  I lack humility when I hurry through my day checking off my list, focused only on my agenda.  How many times can I use "me, my, and I"? 
Recently my father asked me "how concerned are you about God's Glory?"  Is this the key to humility?  Is God's Glory  more important than my own, my success, my accomplishments, my checks on the list of life? 
This is a question that I quickly say YES to, but am I only fooling myself?  God is not fooled by my easy answers.  May I learn to walk humbly with my God.

Cry of my heart

Lord, Might my heart break for what breaks yours.  It is so easy for mye to concentrate on the number of orphans here and around the world on Orphan Sunday.  But what about tomorrow?  What about next week?  Don't let me forget, get laxed or even lazy.  Move me.  Continue to make this my heart's cry.

familiar

I have been reading and re-reading Ps 139.  I am trying to memorize this whole chapter.  I was challenged to memorize it.  I am not good at a number of things two of which are memorizing and turning down a challenge.  So here I am.  I am asking God to hammer this passage into my brain and as He is doing this He is reshaping my heart.  Vs. 3 of chapter 139 says that God is familiar with all my ways.  "Familiar" that word stopped me, it is changing me.  The God of the universe is familiar  with me and all my quirks, oddities, and what makes me, me.  Familiar takes on the meaning of understanding , able to predict, not surprised by, or knowing.  God is understanding of me, able to predict my every thought and movement, not surprised by me and knows me better then I know myself.  He is familiar with all my ways.  Yet still loves me, excepts me and calls me his own.  Ps 139:1-3  " O, Lord you have searched me and you know me.  You know when I sit and when I rise.  You preceive my thoughts from a far.  You discern my going out and my lying down.  You are familiar with all my ways."

what you ask

You are asking for more of me.  Do I choose stress or do I choose to look past it at you?  Does my gaze catch yours? Do my eyes constantly avert so I see the dirt I am standing in? If I would only look up, I would see love, compassion, acceptance in your eyes.  The dirt is more appealing some days filled with the lies of shame and not good enough.  But you ,Oh God, see right through me.  At times painful, yet freeing.  Wash the dirt off with gentle hands and you wrap me in love.  You are asking more of me and in that I receive more of you.  Give this away you whisper.  Reach out, touch one in the dirt and bring them to me.  Come receive what I have to give.  You beckon me.

my "me"ness

How is it that at every turn life ends up about me?  My "me"ness is seeping from every pore of my being.  In the early hours of the morning I lay in bed talking to my God, my mind and heart focused on Him.  As I slide out from under the covers and gravity grabs my toes as they touch the carpet the "me"ness shows up.  My focus is so very short sighted.  My schedule, my wants, likes, dislikes, desires, even my worries, my concerns and discomforts.  My "me"ness is not pretty.  I desire Him, but have a hard time letting go of me.  Putting my "me"ness on the alter, sacrificing all that I am.  moment by moment.  These are the transforming moments.  When I am reminded that it is not about me at all.  Transformation in my life seems to happen in small bits.  My God is patient and lovingly transforms me moment by moment.  To Him be all the glory!

silence

When God seems silent....is it because i am not quiet enough?  Am I too busy to hear the "still small voice"?
I want to hear, but I don't.  I want to feel that closeness, but I don't.  WHY   It is not something I can replicate.  I can't make it happen.  I wait, pray, wonder, and wait some more.  Am I so proudful that I think something I might DO will move God?  wow, adjust my attitude.  God is the almighty.  At his beckoning the waves and wind obey.  How is it that I think I might beckon God to show up for me.  No wonder God seems silent.  perhaps he is waiting for me to get a clearer glimps of who he is and who I really am.
My pride has silenced God...He wants nothing to do with it.  Pride creeps in like a spider in the chill of  Autum.  I don't notice it is there until a web is hanging in the corner of my room.  I don't notice my pride until I can no longer hear the sweet voice of my Savior.  Fall cleaning seems inorder.  The cobwebs of pride need to be cleaned.  Replaced by the joy of thanksgiving.  My God is so patient with me.

Who Am I

This new journey in life has thrown me into a spiritual journey.  Isn't that how it works?  All things spiritual.  The question I ask is Who am I?  Who am I that God would "show up" for me.  All those years of Sunday school, youth group, FCA camp  do I really understand what Christ's sacrifice means? His love?   I know who I am, who I have been....will God show himself, act on behalf of one like me.
Do I believe that God already sees me...He knows me, loves me.  Can I really grasp that?  The" why " question can only be explained with the "love " answer.   Can I wrap my simple mind around that.  My journey into simple faith challenges me to.  To hold on to Christ's love no matter who I see myself to be and allow that love to transform me.  That is where God shows up.

If

"if" Is this a word of doubt? The man in Mark 9:14-24 begs Jesus to heal his son If he can.  Jesus answers him with a question. "if you can?"  Jesus goes on to say that Everything is possible for him who believes.
Do I believe?  My heart shouts the same words the man in this passage proclaims. "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!"  How many prayers do I pray using "if"  If you will... if you can... if you are glorified... If it is in your will.  Do I use "if "as a disclaimer.  The just-in-case-my-faith-is-not-big-enough word.  God can do all things.  I know He may not choose to, but He can.  Am I bold enough to believe or is there an "if" buried somewhere there?  Help me overcome my "if"

Open hands

I look down, turn my hands over and slowly begin to uncurl my fingers. Palms up, fingers out stretched,  this I remind myself is how I want to be with all that God offers.  I want to receive it with open hands.  Asking Him, to use it, use me in whatever way He would be glorified.  I will be traveling to Uganda in March. Open handed....serving and loving orphans...open handed.  As the plans form in my mind my fingers begin to grasp at how I will be able to afford the trip, adoption on the horizon.  I am gripping tightly now clenched fists around the plans, expectations, fears that I have.  Open handed, simple faith is alluding me at this moment. 
I remember the price that was paid for me.  Is that statement of ultimate love not enough?  As that realization floods my soul my hands loosen their grip.  All that He has to offer is for my good, out of his love, which came at a price.  Simple faith is all i need.

Sigh...

Sigh...I am sitting for the first time this week.  Or at least it feels like it.  How is my Time related to my faith?  I have had very little time this week.  I have rushed here and there and when I wasn't rushing, my mind was.  I can't hear the still small voice of my Savior when I am in a rush.  When Life is hurried I am missing the simplicity of the calling of my King.  God requires me to walk humbly, to love my neighbor as my self and to have no Other God's before HIM, but no where have I read that I had better hurry while I am at it.  "Priorities!"  my mind is screaming.  As I strive for simple faith what do my priorities look like?  Ouch, that question stings a bit.  Perhaps in my hurry, I have become too important.  Do all these activities make me "someone"?  Humility is required (Micah 6:8)  "Humbly help me to see you, forgive my attitude of hurried importance."  I pray today.....sigh.

Show me

I wonder what truly pleases the heart of my God?  and I stumbled upon upon Mich 6:8 "He has showed you, O man, what is good.  And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God."  That hit me right between the eyes!  As I reread this my eyes stopped at required.  I don't know about you but that says to me I don't have a choice.  It is not an option.  I better get on it....but how?  I am not sure, but i think walking humbly will lead to acting justly and loving mercy.  Humility is far from simple.  Humility is taking a close look, an honest look at who I am. It is not pretty!  Yet in the light of my Savior I am free to be nothing, to be no one of importance, and to be the daughter of the King.  Humility is a daily, moment by moment struggle.  I want to feel worth while.  I want to be as important as the next person.  I whisper "look at me."
 My God whispers back that He sees me, has never lost sight of me.  "Humble yourself, this I require," He prompts.  "Show me..." I cry. 

Mumbling

Today, I confess I am mumbling "yes, Lord".  It seems harder...Why is it not as easy as yesterday?  as last week?  Is simple faith a discipline I must practice ? like Prayer...constantly seeking the Father.  (I am not good at that either. ) However;  I am blessed by a forgiving Lord and Savior and that alone should be my motivation for saying "Yes, Lord".  When I loose sight of what God has done for me and what He continues to do for me daily this is when I mumble.  I am the child that hears, yet mumbles the answer, hoping no one else hears.  Isn't that why we mumble?  I do.  Under my breath, barely enunciating, sometimes shrugging hoping to go unnoticed.  This is my response when I forget the price my God has paid for me.  May I stand tall and say loud "yes Lord" to my God who gave his all.

saying yes to Jesus

As I continue to contemplate simple faith...God-filled, uncomplicated, simple faith.  It seems that simple faith must start with "yes, Lord".  Yes, Lord for my day today. Yes, Lord to the present even if it doesn't look like I want it to.  "Yes, Lord"  without any "buts", "maybes", or "if only'es".  No conditions, no exceptions just "yes , Lord".  Simple....far from it.  But simply "Yes" with all my heart.  I have practiced saying "Yes" for several days now.  It is getting easier.  It accompanies much less worry and manipulation of my life.  I don't want to quit now..."Yes, Lord" every moment of today.

Surrender

I am sure simple faith involves surrender.  I read my Bible and surrender is all through the pages.  Men and women who surrendered their wants, desires, occupations, and even lives.  Am I up for that kind of surrender?  Do I really want a simple, surrendering faith or do I just want to go through the motions.  I confess the motions seem easier.  more convenient.  The motions seem do-able. 
Yet, they are empty.  I want a simple surrendering faith that is full of life.  Full of God.  Surrender everything to gain even more.   Teach me, I am not good at it.  At times down right terrible.  Teach me  Lord, to surrender.

Simplicity

Simplicity....I want a simple life, yet I seem to be able to complicate things quickly.  That is true with my faith.  I desire a simple faith, but complicate it completely.  I don't think God wants me confused.  It is not a game of 20 Questions.  It has to be more simple than that.  Can it be as easy as "I desire to follow God.  Lead Me"  Do I believe that He will lead?  My heart hears Him.  My brains Questions.
I desire to follow.

Trust: what does it look like

Trust....I word I have heard most of my life.  What does it look like?  What does it feel like?  Do I fool myself that I am truly trusting.  My children go out the door and I whisper prayers thoughout the morning.  Worry creeps in and I try to trust.  My husband still not home and cell phone unanswered.  I try to trust.  My extended family, friends, finances, future....I try to trust God with it all.  But do I really?  Who am I fooling. I can barely keep "my hands off give to God" focus for a fraction of a moment.  And at these moments I am gazing at who my God is.  Perhaps it is not what trust looks like, but Who I am looking AT.
My Lord and Savior.

Be still

When sleep alludes me in the early hours of the morning.  I see 3:00 am on the clock.  I am not sure why I am awake.  Am I worried? driven?uncomfortable?  I ask God.  Wondering what I should be praying about...I begin.  I pray for family and friends in need.  Loved one that need you ,Lord.  I feel restless and still no sleep comes.  I begin to feel like entering the throne room at that time in the morning is not a privilege but perhaps a plague.  How can that be? Spending time with my Savior and then the "to do list " hits my brain.  My God quickly whispers to my soul, "Be Still".  Stillness is hard for me.  I am driven.  I am a task master in my own right.  Help me to know you in the stillness, Lord.  3:00am.

How I see

I heard someone talk about the hard things in life as a "stroke of death".  As I began to think about that phrase I wondered if I looked at it differently could it really be life?  Doesn't it say in John 15:2 that the cutting off of branches that don't bear fruit is a must.  Branches that are dead on the vine don't bear fruit.  When the one tending the vines lops off a branch at that moment it is a "stroke of death".  Yet, is it because "new life" is truly in mind.  I need to see differently.   I want to take the "stroke of death" moments and see the "new life" my Savior has in mind.  Change how I see.