familiar

I have been reading and re-reading Ps 139.  I am trying to memorize this whole chapter.  I was challenged to memorize it.  I am not good at a number of things two of which are memorizing and turning down a challenge.  So here I am.  I am asking God to hammer this passage into my brain and as He is doing this He is reshaping my heart.  Vs. 3 of chapter 139 says that God is familiar with all my ways.  "Familiar" that word stopped me, it is changing me.  The God of the universe is familiar  with me and all my quirks, oddities, and what makes me, me.  Familiar takes on the meaning of understanding , able to predict, not surprised by, or knowing.  God is understanding of me, able to predict my every thought and movement, not surprised by me and knows me better then I know myself.  He is familiar with all my ways.  Yet still loves me, excepts me and calls me his own.  Ps 139:1-3  " O, Lord you have searched me and you know me.  You know when I sit and when I rise.  You preceive my thoughts from a far.  You discern my going out and my lying down.  You are familiar with all my ways."

what you ask

You are asking for more of me.  Do I choose stress or do I choose to look past it at you?  Does my gaze catch yours? Do my eyes constantly avert so I see the dirt I am standing in? If I would only look up, I would see love, compassion, acceptance in your eyes.  The dirt is more appealing some days filled with the lies of shame and not good enough.  But you ,Oh God, see right through me.  At times painful, yet freeing.  Wash the dirt off with gentle hands and you wrap me in love.  You are asking more of me and in that I receive more of you.  Give this away you whisper.  Reach out, touch one in the dirt and bring them to me.  Come receive what I have to give.  You beckon me.

my "me"ness

How is it that at every turn life ends up about me?  My "me"ness is seeping from every pore of my being.  In the early hours of the morning I lay in bed talking to my God, my mind and heart focused on Him.  As I slide out from under the covers and gravity grabs my toes as they touch the carpet the "me"ness shows up.  My focus is so very short sighted.  My schedule, my wants, likes, dislikes, desires, even my worries, my concerns and discomforts.  My "me"ness is not pretty.  I desire Him, but have a hard time letting go of me.  Putting my "me"ness on the alter, sacrificing all that I am.  moment by moment.  These are the transforming moments.  When I am reminded that it is not about me at all.  Transformation in my life seems to happen in small bits.  My God is patient and lovingly transforms me moment by moment.  To Him be all the glory!

silence

When God seems silent....is it because i am not quiet enough?  Am I too busy to hear the "still small voice"?
I want to hear, but I don't.  I want to feel that closeness, but I don't.  WHY   It is not something I can replicate.  I can't make it happen.  I wait, pray, wonder, and wait some more.  Am I so proudful that I think something I might DO will move God?  wow, adjust my attitude.  God is the almighty.  At his beckoning the waves and wind obey.  How is it that I think I might beckon God to show up for me.  No wonder God seems silent.  perhaps he is waiting for me to get a clearer glimps of who he is and who I really am.
My pride has silenced God...He wants nothing to do with it.  Pride creeps in like a spider in the chill of  Autum.  I don't notice it is there until a web is hanging in the corner of my room.  I don't notice my pride until I can no longer hear the sweet voice of my Savior.  Fall cleaning seems inorder.  The cobwebs of pride need to be cleaned.  Replaced by the joy of thanksgiving.  My God is so patient with me.

Who Am I

This new journey in life has thrown me into a spiritual journey.  Isn't that how it works?  All things spiritual.  The question I ask is Who am I?  Who am I that God would "show up" for me.  All those years of Sunday school, youth group, FCA camp  do I really understand what Christ's sacrifice means? His love?   I know who I am, who I have been....will God show himself, act on behalf of one like me.
Do I believe that God already sees me...He knows me, loves me.  Can I really grasp that?  The" why " question can only be explained with the "love " answer.   Can I wrap my simple mind around that.  My journey into simple faith challenges me to.  To hold on to Christ's love no matter who I see myself to be and allow that love to transform me.  That is where God shows up.

If

"if" Is this a word of doubt? The man in Mark 9:14-24 begs Jesus to heal his son If he can.  Jesus answers him with a question. "if you can?"  Jesus goes on to say that Everything is possible for him who believes.
Do I believe?  My heart shouts the same words the man in this passage proclaims. "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!"  How many prayers do I pray using "if"  If you will... if you can... if you are glorified... If it is in your will.  Do I use "if "as a disclaimer.  The just-in-case-my-faith-is-not-big-enough word.  God can do all things.  I know He may not choose to, but He can.  Am I bold enough to believe or is there an "if" buried somewhere there?  Help me overcome my "if"

Open hands

I look down, turn my hands over and slowly begin to uncurl my fingers. Palms up, fingers out stretched,  this I remind myself is how I want to be with all that God offers.  I want to receive it with open hands.  Asking Him, to use it, use me in whatever way He would be glorified.  I will be traveling to Uganda in March. Open handed....serving and loving orphans...open handed.  As the plans form in my mind my fingers begin to grasp at how I will be able to afford the trip, adoption on the horizon.  I am gripping tightly now clenched fists around the plans, expectations, fears that I have.  Open handed, simple faith is alluding me at this moment. 
I remember the price that was paid for me.  Is that statement of ultimate love not enough?  As that realization floods my soul my hands loosen their grip.  All that He has to offer is for my good, out of his love, which came at a price.  Simple faith is all i need.